Dear family and friends

K

Okay, as much as I love writing you, this letter isn’t for you. It is for your fan club aka family and friends.

To Our Very Supportive, Loving, (add adjective to personally describe you), and Impatiently Waiting Family and Friends

At some point, K will come home. At some point, Luc and I will share with everyone what we have decided to call him, but not today. At some point, you will get to see us as a family of three four (thank you Joey). We have truly appropriated your support as we have waited to bring “Lando” home from Ethiopia. We know at times we have not shared as much information as you would like, but we have shared what we emotionally could or were allowed to at the time.  

Many of you have asked, “Can we meet you at the airport?” Yes. Please come out to the airport, we would love to see you, have you want to swarm, but yet refrain from swarming, as we walk with K through the area that separates the baggage area from the gate area. (I am assuming some of you have something in the works for this airport party.)

Yes, I said refrain from swarming. We know you are excited to meet K. We are excited to have you meet him, but under better conditions than coming off 20 plus hours of flight. Yes, there might be a group photo (you know I LOVE my photo moments), but we also need to do what is best for K. (How can you argue with doing what is best for K? You can’t.)

K is coming to the fam with a history. We will be 5^th known home for K since he was born in November 2010. That is a lot of transition to deal with for such a young guy. We are taking him away from everything he knows and some great women whom he loves and trusts. We also know, you want to show K how much love you already have for him, without ever meeting him. (Can I just say, he is a pretty cool kid. I know I am biased, but he rocks.)

It is important for Luc and I to be working on that trust from the beginning. I know I have shared with some of you what we have read on the importance of attachment. (I also know some of what I have shared we have laughed over.) At the same time, all of the books and articles I have read, as well as our social worker, case manager, and family coordinator agree, attachment can be very difficult to gain.   

So what is attachment? Great question! I am SO glad you asked. Attachment is the “bond” between a parent and a child. This is something K does not have for us, as much as it hurts to admit. We can gain this attachment with K by meeting his needs (physical and emotional) over time. This is what helps to create a trusting and secure relationship between a child and parents. Traditionally, in a newborn this is easier than an older child, but not impossible. It is important that Luc and I are the ones meeting ALL of K’s needs when he comes home.

I know you are thinking, “Kara, are you saying you don’t want someone else to change that dirty, smelly, disgusting diaper?” Unfortunately, as much as I might like someone else to change the diaper, that is exactly what I am saying. Luc and I need to be the ones to feed, diaper, change clothes, etc for the time being. (If this hurts you, imagine what our Moms have been thinking since we dropped this bomb on them.)

As cute as he is, K has experienced trauma in his life. As much as people like to think about what he is gaining, he is gaining a pretty sweet set of parents and a rocking dog, he has lost a lot in his life. He will be losing his current caregivers (again, those Special Mothers totally rock), language, smells, and rice cereal he really likes. (We have been told the rice cereal in Ethiopia is sweeter than that sold in the US. We might stock up on this. He didn’t care for the carrot/potato stuff.)  We are bringing him into a new environment. Please be understanding. He is scared. We are scared for him.

It is TRES (very) important for K to learn about his new environment, family, and love. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond with K is to be the only ones to hold, snuggle, kiss, instruct, soothe and feed him for the time being.  During this time, as part of the "cocooning" process, K will have structure, boundaries, and close proximity to us that is different than a child who enters a family at birth. Please be assured that we did not make these decisions lightly: our adjustment and parenting plan has been thoughtfully made based on many months of prayer, education, talking with other adoptive parents, and research.

So know you are thinking, “So after the airport, will we EVER see you?” You bet. Please come visit us. We just ask you let us know you are coming and be understanding if we call you an hour beforehand to say today isn’t the best day for a visit. We are also asking you come in small groups (2 maybe 3 people, again this might depend upon the day). During your visits, please understand that until K has a firm understanding of family and primary attachment, we would appreciate you limit your physical contact with him and redirect him to us if he needs/wants food, affection, comfort, and a new diaper. We know this is difficult, K is an awesome snuggler, but it is necessary due to K’s circumstances.  

It is important for other adults to refrain from what is typically considered normal, physical contact with K. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging, and kissing. (Again, K is so huggable. This is super hard.) Children who have spent time in an orphanage are inclined to superficially attach to anyone and everyone, which hinders their most important, primary relationship with their new parents. Behaviors that may seem benign, such as being exceptionally charming or indiscriminately affectionate, may actually be examples of a hurting child who is unable to distinguish between the roles of parents and strangers. (Again, K has had many caregivers.) By setting physical boundaries as the adult, you will help K learn the difference between you and us. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed!

Summary:
Okay, so this was pretty long. If you need a summary/review, please do not hold K, feed him, change his diaper, or overly hug him. Come see us in prearranged small groups.

Again, we thank you for your support over these past two plus years as we have waited to bring home our Lando. (No, we are not naming him Lando.) We still have some waiting to do, but he will come home. To quote one of my favorite 4 year olds, “Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday” K will come home.

Love,

Kara and Luc